Riley as Himself

Pessimism: The glass is half empty. Optimism: The glass is half full. Modern cynicism: Who cares? It’s probably poisoned anyway. Skepticism: How could you possibly know that? Platonism: There exists a theoretical form of a glass which is completely full. Empiricism: Technically, the glass is completely full. Realism: The glass is just twice as big as it needs to be. Positivism: How do you know? Have you measured? Cartesianism: What good would that do? There’s no logic in that. Stoicism: We should imagine the glass completely empty - to prepare ourselves. Asceticism: You see, the glass is a distraction from true happiness. Rationalism: Now, now. Let’s not get emotional. Kantianism: Someone else can have the glass. Epicureanism: I’ll take it. Utilitarianism: But would that really be the most useful? Is that the best use of the glass? Social Darwinism: The glass belongs to he who is fit enough to take it. Marxism: You bourgeoisie alway...

My in-laws recently proposed a family reunion in Greensboro, North Carolina, and one of the siblings suggested that everyone volunteer ideas for fun family activities. Some of these thoughts included basketball, an iron chef competition, and a speed tournament (the card game, not the drug). These were my wife's and my contributions. Games and Competitions - Test your skills and enjoy some friendly competition with your family Speed tournament (the drug, not the card game) Life size chess game vs another family (to the death) Crossdressing competition Scrabble (Klingon version) Host hunger games using neighborhood children (the event, not the movie) Play chicken with rental cars Play chicken with real chickens Hold your breath underwater competition Play soccer with bowling ball (steel toed shoes not provided) Strip paintball Hitchhike in a ski mask holding an axe (first one to Canada wins) Contest of who can get banned from Facebook first ...

Sometimes, it's hard to find Mormons in mainstream media. Occasionally we'll get token nods from stories like  Ocean's 11  or Space Jam , but overt portrayals of Mormon characters are pretty rare. Most shows don't go into a whole lot of depth on religion, though, so it's possible there are some unidentified Mormons out there in famous movies, TV shows or novels. Here are the most likely candidates: Aragorn - The Lord of the Rings The guy can trace his family history back 42 generations . He’s shown tireless effort to redeem the dead . And he gets back from a mission to find an epic homecoming celebration (complete with a musical number) and promptly marries the girl who’s been waiting for him all these long years. Yup. He’s totally a Mormon. Giselle - Enchanted This girl goes from single to engaged faster than you can say “time and all eternity.” She has sewing skills any enrichment night planner would die for and her penchant for bursting out int...

Genesis All she wanted was a piece of fruit. You won’t believe what happened next! Exodus 10 proven methods to avoid the wrath of God. (#6 is to die for!) Leviticus 247 things all Levites can TOTALLY relate to. Numbers This man no longer smites his donkey. The reason why will shock you! Deuteronomy He walked 40 years to get to the promised land. What he does when he finally gets there will make you cry. Joshua Canaanites HATE him! This man knocked down the walls of Jericho with one weird trick! Judges What this man did with a jawbone of an ass will leave you breathless. Ruth When her husband died, she lost everything. Here’s how she got it all back. 1 Samuel This shepherd boy’s response to a giant bully will restore your faith in humanity. 2 Samuel David sure wishes Nathan never found out about THIS! 1 Kings The p...

Edgar Allan Poe Once upon a midnight dreary, round the cottage—silent, weary— Frozen ‘midst the wintry curtain closing round the threshold door, Stockings o’er the mantle drooping, vermin in their hovels stooping, Nothing dared disturb the gloomy night December twenty-four For a visitor intrudes upon December twenty-four      One night only—never more. Maya Angelou The children dream on the back of the wind and dance with sweets till the music ends while parents sleep in the silver moon beams and slumber ‘neath the sky. Bashō In the midnight snow a sound disturbs the meadow... The window beckons William Carlos Williams so much depends upon a red sleigh driver lit with snow luster behind the eight reindeer. Walt Whitman O Santa! my Santa! your trip has just begun, The sleigh has weather’d much tonight with gifts for everyone, Your voice is near, your shouts I hear, the reindeer swift appro...