Riley as Himself

Pessimism: The glass is half empty. Optimism: The glass is half full. Modern cynicism: Who cares? It’s probably poisoned anyway. Skepticism: How could you possibly know that? Platonism: There exists a theoretical form of a glass which is completely full. Empiricism: Technically, the glass is completely full. Realism: The glass is just twice as big as it needs to be. Positivism: How do you know? Have you measured? Cartesianism: What good would that do? There’s no logic in that. Stoicism: We should imagine the glass completely empty - to prepare ourselves. Asceticism: You see, the glass is a distraction from true happiness. Rationalism: Now, now. Let’s not get emotional. Kantianism: Someone else can have the glass. Epicureanism: I’ll take it. Utilitarianism: But would that really be the most useful? Is that the best use of the glass? Social Darwinism: The glass belongs to he who is fit enough to take it. Marxism: You bourgeoisie alway...