The Glass Half... Something: Philosophers Fight over the Classic Conundrum

Pessimism: The glass is half empty.

Optimism: The glass is half full.

Modern cynicism: Who cares? It’s probably poisoned anyway.

Skepticism: How could you possibly know that?

Platonism: There exists a theoretical form of a glass which is completely full.

Empiricism: Technically, the glass is completely full.

Realism: The glass is just twice as big as it needs to be.

Positivism: How do you know? Have you measured?

Cartesianism: What good would that do? There’s no logic in that.

Stoicism: We should imagine the glass completely empty - to prepare ourselves.

Asceticism: You see, the glass is a distraction from true happiness.

Rationalism: Now, now. Let’s not get emotional.

Kantianism: Someone else can have the glass.

Epicureanism: I’ll take it.

Utilitarianism: But would that really be the most useful? Is that the best use of the glass?

Social Darwinism: The glass belongs to he who is fit enough to take it.

Marxism: You bourgeoisie always reduce the glass to mere money relations.

Charvaka: Not necessarily! That rule may not be universal.

Legalism: You want to talk to me about rules?

Surrealism: Your little arguments are so cute. Penguin stranger melty glass. And a rhinoceros.

Holism: The glass and its contents should be viewed as a composite whole.

Absurdism: Whatever. If that makes you feel better about it.

Deconstructionism: You don’t really mean that.

Socratism: Then what does he mean?

Deconstructionism: You wouldn’t understand.

Classic cynicism: Get that glass out of my sun!

Existentialism: Is the glass?

Solipsism: The glass does not exist.

Nihilism: The glass is dead.

Hedonism: Oh, was I not supposed to drink that!? Well, the glass is empty now.

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Ranking all 341 Latter-day Saint hymns from worst to best: Part I

Ranking things in Latter-day Saint culture is a bit taboo. I’ve frequently heard folkloric rules against having favorite scriptures or General Authorities. We’re discouraged from shopping around for better wards, we’re told not to compare Church callings, and we’re certainly not supposed to judge people . But ranking hymns is okay. Elder Bednar has a favorite hymn . So did Joseph Smith . With the Church actively seeking help revising its hymnbook, the time has never been better to share which hymns you like and which you don’t. Since I’m always up for devoting way too much thought and energy to a relatively simple task, I decided to rank all 341 current hymns on one simple criteria: how much do I want this hymn to be in the new hymnbook? I wasn’t familiar with many hymns and I wanted to do this fairly, so I went through the hymnbook cover-to-cover three times, listening to LDS.org’s various recordings of each hymn as I went, giving each hymn a score between 1 t

Ranking all 341 Latter-day Saint hymns from worst to best: Part V

The final section of a five part series analyzing and ranking each hymn in the Latter-day Saint hymnal, including the top 45. Read Part I, including an explanation of the project and its methods, here Read Part II here Read Part III here Read Part IV here Five Stars I have very little to criticize about the 45 best hymns. Each one fulfills all 10 Hymnandments : worship, accuracy, emotion, interest, simplicity, universality, symbiosis, non-cultiness, appropriateness, and rhyme. In other words, if any of these hymns doesn’t make it into the new hymnbook, I’m gonna riot. Who’s with me? Rank 45 223. Have I Done Any Good? Utah Jazz head coach Quin Snyder once found his team losing badly in an effortless performance. He rose to his feet and screamed “WAKE UP!” at his players (they rallied and won the game). Now, his intensity with those words are all I can think of as the chorus of this song begins. If I’ve done no good in the world today, it’s not a whispered “Wake

Ranking all 341 Latter-day Saint hymns from worst to best: Part II

Part II of a five part series analyzing and ranking each hymn in the Latter-day Saint hymnal. Read Part I, including an explanation of the project and its methods, here Read Part III here Read Part IV here Read Part V here Two Stars None of these songs are terrible, but I don’t feel any of them are necessary. Some are overshadowed by similar hymns that simply do a better job conveying the same message. A few are more confusing than inspiring. And a handful are just dull. I won’t be upset if any of these make the new hymnbook, but I feel we can do better with some new, more diverse songs of worship. Rank 284 (tie) 313-318, 326, 329, 331, 333-334. God Is Love (Women) ; How Gentle God’s Commands (Women) ; Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee (Women) ; The Lord Is My Shepherd (Women) ; Sweet Is the Work (Women) ; Come, Come, Ye Saints (Men’s Choir) ; Love at Home (Women) ; Thy Servants Are Prepared (Men’s Choir) ; 331. Oh Say, What Is Truth? (Men’s Choir) ; High on the M

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