Part II of a five part series analyzing and ranking each hymn in the Latter-day Saint hymnal.
via Gfycat
- Read Part I, including an explanation of the project and its methods, here
- Read Part III here
- Read Part IV here
- Read Part V here
Two Stars
None of these songs are terrible, but I don’t feel
any of them are necessary. Some are overshadowed by similar hymns that simply
do a better job conveying the same message. A few are more confusing than
inspiring. And a handful are just dull. I won’t be upset if any of these make
the new hymnbook, but I feel we can do better with some new, more diverse songs
of worship.
Rank 284 (tie)
313-318, 326, 329, 331, 333-334. God Is Love (Women); How Gentle God’s Commands
(Women); Jesus, the Very Thought of
Thee (Women); The Lord Is My Shepherd
(Women); Sweet Is the Work (Women); Come, Come, Ye Saints (Men’s
Choir); Love at Home (Women); Thy Servants Are Prepared
(Men’s Choir); 331. Oh Say, What Is Truth?
(Men’s Choir); High on the Mountain Top
(Men’s Choir); I Need Thee Every Hour (Men’s
Choir)
No, I don’t have anything against gendered
arrangements. I just would rather have a new song than a second version of one
we already have. We don’t have to get rid of these versions; just throw a
footnote on the bottom of the page of the original: “An arrangement of this
hymn for women’s/men’s voices is available on lds.org.”
Rank 283
Dark and melodramatic (like a Tim Burton character,
but not in a good way), phrases like “deathly danger”, “Oft
despairing”, “Clouds of darkest hue”, “vulture’s prey”, and “join
the silent band” wouldn’t be out of place in a Victorian emo garageband.
Rank 282
Let’s not throw the youth under the bus, shall we?
And that tumbling, descending line that shows up three times a verse gets
really obnoxious really fast.
Rank 281
Isn’t the King of Salem Melchizedek? Cuz in this
song he seems to be doing a lot of stuff only Jesus is supposed to do.
Rank 280
Lyrics also considered for this song:
Rank 279
I get it, poetry is hard. Because of that, you get
to use one bad rhyme per song, as long as it’s sort of close. But if you try to
rhyme “song” and “tongue” or “grace” and “pass”, you get entirely new
words. I don’t want “monuments of wondrous grass”, thank you very much.
Rank 278
Temple work on behalf of the dead is a truly
beautiful doctrine, and when taught properly, it can be a real incentive for
newcomers to look closer at the Church. I would hate for this song, however, to
be someone’s first impression of that principle.
Rank 277
Fermatas are hard. Since no congregation has ever
once followed a conductor, everyone jumps to the next line at different times,
leading to cacophonous confusion. While this song’s lyrics (by Martin Luther
himself!) are alright, it’s got too many fermatas for general use.
Rank 276
What are “Ephraim’s records”? The Book of
Mormon? (It’s authors were famously descendents of Manasseh.) Personal
revelation? (Not everyone’s from the tribe of Ephraim.) The ministry of Joseph
Smith? Maybe, but it still feels odd.
Rank 275
The melody is… unusual. Sometimes I don’t mind it.
Sometimes I’d rather listen to hypersensitive smoke detectors in dissonant keys
while trying to cook bacon.
Rank 274
This number tries really hard to be inclusive with
lines like “Out of ev’ry nation”. But most members and many missionaries
are not “sons of Joseph” as this song implies, either because they are
women, or they’re not Ephraim- or Manasseh-ites, or both.
Rank 273
I don’t especially like inviting others to fear
God, but it’s got enough scriptural precedent that I suppose I’ll allow it.
Trying to rhyme “name” and “supreme”, though, is a stretch worthy of
Elastigirl.
Rank 272
Is it just me, or does the phrase “Prepare to
meet your God” in this context sound just a tad threatening?
Rank 271
I know it’s biblical, but I personally find the
phrase “quick and dead” both alarming and confusing, especially out of
context.
Rank 270
Rank 269
In theory, I’m in favor of “men only” portions of
hymns (because the women get their fair share of solos). In practice, it often
doesn’t work well, particularly when opening a hymn. Also, the lyrics read like
a cliched Brother Brown lesson.
Rank 268
Why does the line “Raising hymns to Father’s
praise” sound so tragic?
Rank 267
The rhythm of the music is a poor fit with the
rhythm of the lyrics, forcing us to do awkward things like emphasize the “-ed”
in “ashamed”.
Rank 266
Rank 265
Kinda sounds like a carnival song. I don’t much
care for carnivals.
Rank 264
The odd minor turn halfway through makes me
uncomfortable.
Rank 263
Something about the melody is just a little
unsettling.
Rank 262
I’m not against work, but this song seems to
advocate doing work for work’s sake. Plus, I hate being rushed.
Rank 261
I find it rather uninspiring, and the third phrase
of each verse is missing some kind of punctuation at the end.
Rank 260
I can’t quite tell if this song wants me to be
happy or sad.
Rank 259
Yet another hymn where the accentuation of the
words and melody are not quite lined up. And it beats the mote and beam parable
to death.
Rank 258
The melody takes a lot of risks. That’s not always
a good thing.
Rank 257
Not a fan of the plodding bass and tenor lines.
Rank 256
Meh.
Rank 255
I neither know nor care to learn what a “sultry
glebe” is.
Rank 254
The tone of the melody seems a little disjointed
from that of the lyrics.
Rank 253
It just doesn’t grab my attention.
Rank 252
Me singing this song:
Rank 251
The lyrics transform halfway through from a prayer
to a sermon. Bad form.
Rank 250
This song is egregiously slow, and while the words
of the 2nd verse are nice, there is no Church meeting where it would make sense
to sing them.
Rank 249
You know the DMV scene from Zootopia? That’s
what singing this song at the recommended tempo feels like.
Rank 248
A bit bland. It’s not compelling, but neither is it
peaceful.
Rank 247
Just when things are getting interesting, the song
screeches to an anticlimactic halt. (Side note, what on earth is a legate?)
Rank 246
The attempt is so well-meaning. The result is so
boring
Rank 245
At least it’s energetic, but this song reminds me
of the obnoxious homework planner Hermione gives Harry and Ron in their fifth
year: “Don’t leave it till later, you big second-rater!”
Rank 244
The premise of this song was ruined when the Church
consolidated its meeting block 40 years ago. Now, no one ever wakes up at the
crack of dawn to “come away to the Sunday School”; they do it to go to
Sacrament meeting, with Sunday School as a mere afterthought.
Rank 243
The gospel can improve our homes, miraculously so
when everyone fully buys into it. Nevertheless, I get nervous when we assume
that everyone who’s righteous has a happy home.
Rank 242
I like the tune (though it should be a little
faster). The words, though entirely unproblematic, just don’t really do
anything for me.
Rank 241
I’m really grateful for modern apostles and prophets,
I really am. And in part, I feel this song does a good job of showing our
appreciation for them. But I can’t shake the feeling that parts of this song
(*cough* verse 2 *cough*) feed into the narrative that we just blindly do
whatever they tell us. But perhaps I’m merely straining at gnats.
Rank 240
I guess there’s nothing wrong with it. I just need
a bit more “wow” factor.
Rank 239
Not every Christmas song can be a classic, and
that’s okay. In this case, the melody sounds like a sea shanty (not that I have
anything against a well-timed sea shanty), and the phrasing’s a little off,
forcing you to emphasize words like “on” and “the” a little too often.
Rank 238
Call me impatient, but this song takes a little too
much time to get to the point. In that case I guess, yes, the journey does seem
long.
Rank 237
If I never have to hear another person attempt a
trombone-esque slide during the chorus of this hymn, my life will have
significantly improved.
Rank 236
The melodic story of this song is all wrong. As
soon as the music starts to get interesting, the verse ends; then you have to
sing the boring first line again.
Rank 235
Rather repetitive, both lyrically and musically,
and unlike the more famous “Nearer My God to Thee”, Hymn 99 doesn’t change the context of its
thematic phrase each time it's used.
Rank 234
It needs to be sung so much faster than recommended
to avoid feeling like less of a march and more of a slow-motion collapse.
Rank 233
It seems a little too focused on doing good only
for eternal reward. To me, that’s not much better than only doing good for
earthly reward.
Rank 232
Probably the most over-sung song in the hymnbook
(because it’s easy to play on the piano; let’s get simplified versions of each
of the new hymns please!). The lyrics contort this “simple phrase” into
some very impersonal situations, and switching to a minor key halfway through
each verse is a mistake.
Rank 231
A little repetitive and surprisingly dark, with
lines like “When hopes are crushed and dead” and “When silent death
draws near”.
Rank 230
Verse 1 seems very down-to-earth, then the song
jumps straight to the millennium for the next 3 verses. It’s an odd shift; pick
a lane!
Rank 229
This song never actually says what truth is! It
tells you it’s valuable, permanent, and hard to obtain, but it never actually
answers its own question. And those assembling the new hymnbook should know
that the word “diadem” will only conjure images of horcruxes.
Rank 228
Is it weird if I think the song would be better if
you switched the order of the verses? The 1st verse seems like it’s supposed to
be used in the temple (I’ve never sung a hymn there), and only the 2nd verse
makes it clear that it’s referring to each of us as temples.
Rank 227
I have never been in a Sunday School class I would
describe as a “jubilee”, and this is coming from someone’s whose favorite
calling of all time was Gospel Principles teacher. Maybe I just have the wrong
attitude.
Rank 226
You have to know one specific quote of Church history to understand what this hymn is
talking about. If you’ve got that, then the song is okay.
Rank 225
Rank 224
Altogether unspectacular, but not problematic in
the way some other hymns are.
Rank 223
While in theory I like this song, its last line
doesn’t have a rhyme partner, and some of the lines imply, rather than “God is
looking out for you”, a message of “God is waiting for you to mess up.”
Rank 222
Find one theme and stick to it. You can’t just go
off on a random tangent for the third verse.
Rank 221
Perhaps a little elitist, but altogether not too
bad.
Rank 220
I like verse 3 a lot, but trying to rhyme “faith”
with “death” during the chorus is inexcusable.
Rank 219
The theme of the first two verses quickly falls
apart, breaking into unrelated one liners (including one about curses, my favorite
topic to sing about at church). The tune does redeem it slightly.
Rank 218
The song gets credit for its upbeat tune and the
happy message of the fourth verse in particular. But I’m a curmudgeon. And I
curmudgeonly maintain that there’s no evidence that the wise men heard any
angels, nor was Jesus still in the manger when they found him.
Rank 217
It leans pretty heavily into the combat metaphor,
which has in extreme circumstances led to confusion and actual violence. I feel this hymn makes a decent attempt to
acknowledge its metaphorical nature, but we should be more cautious about how
our messaging is interpreted.
Rank 216
Points added for the nice message and for the
father-composer/son-lyricist tandem. Points subtracted for forcing poor,
inexperienced pianists to remember how to play a B double flat in the middle of
Sacrament meeting.
Rank 215
While I enjoy parts of this hymn, it employs a very
tenuous rhyme scheme and I don't really know what the maxim “Worthy the
Lamb” really means.
Rank 214
I
know what we mean when we gleefully sing about fighting in a battle where “the
world is our foe”. But might that not sound the least bit strange to someone
who visits for the first time?
Rank 213
The described blessings are nice, but many Church
members through no fault of their own have no access to “love at
home”. What does this song mean for those with abusive parents, uncaring
spouses, or thankless children? Are these blessings unavailable to them? If so,
isn’t it kind of messed up to make them sing about it?
Continue to Part III!
Continue to Part III!
Index of Hymns:
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