Ranking things in Latter-day Saint culture is a bit taboo. I’ve frequently heard folkloric rules against having favorite scriptures or General Authorities. We’re discouraged from shopping around for better wards, we’re told not to compare Church callings, and we’re certainly not supposed to judge people.
But ranking hymns is okay. Elder Bednar has a favorite hymn. So did Joseph Smith. With the Church actively seeking help revising its hymnbook, the time has never been better to share which hymns you like and which you don’t.
Since I’m always up for devoting way too much thought and energy to a relatively simple task, I decided to rank all 341 current hymns on one simple criteria: how much do I want this hymn to be in the new hymnbook?
I wasn’t familiar with many hymns and I wanted to do this fairly, so I went through the hymnbook cover-to-cover three times, listening to LDS.org’s various recordings of each hymn as I went, giving each hymn a score between 1 to 5 stars. Along the way, I learned a bit about what makes certain hymns work and other hymns fail.
There are ten major principles that divide the “Be Still My Soul”s from the “In Our Lovely Deseret”s. You might even call them the 10 Hymnandments (I hope you audibly groaned at that truly atrocious pun):
- Hymns should be a form of worship.
- Hymns should be doctrinally accurate.
- Hymns should make you feel something.
- Hymns should be interesting and instructive.
- Hymns should be easy to understand, even for newcomers and visitors.
- Hymns should be universally (or near universally) applicable for a diverse, global, church.
- Hymns’ lyrics and melodies should be symbiotic in both tone and meter.
- Hymns should not make us look like a cult, especially not a cult that celebrates bad things happening to those who don’t agree with us.
- Hymns should be appropriate for Sacrament Meeting (the place where they are most frequently sung and learned).
- Hymns should rhyme.
Any hymn that accomplishes all that deserves to stay. Many don’t make the cut, and a few are heinous offenders. Nevertheless this ranking is quite subjective. I’m neither a music theorist nor a theologian. But I have spent a fairly large portion of my life singing hymns, and I'd really like to never sing some of them again. Let's start with some of those, the worst hymns in the hymnbook.
(For an indexed list of Hymns and their ranks in the order they appear in the hymnbook, scroll to the bottom of this page.)
One Star
These 47
songs represent the worst the hymnbook has to offer. Some are offensive, others
are exclusive. A few misrepresent us, a couple put us to sleep. Many are
confusing to newcomers, and a handful even contain false doctrine. Fortunately,
the Church has a longstanding tradition of editing the tunes and lyrics of its
hymns to better suit the needs of its members. Perhaps a few of these could be
saved with some inspired alterations. Others we might just need to forget
about.
Rank 338 (tie)
338-341. America the Beautiful; My Country, ’Tis of Thee; The Star-Spangled Banner; God Save the King
According to the Church,
“national anthems will not be included in the printed hymnbooks. However,
sacred music of local interest may be made available... as appropriate”. Since
these hymns will (rightfully) not be considered for the new, global hymnbook,
I’m eliminating them first.
Rank 337
What the
actual heck. The song actually commands us to bow down at Michael’s (Adam’s)
feet. That it was written during the Adam-God doctrine’s hay day makes it even
worse. Congrats Hymn 51. You’re the worst song in the hymnbook.
Rank 335 (tie)
Exactly
two types of people talk about “the chosen race”: Church members singing
this song and Nazis. The song doubles down on its apparent bigotry by
mentioning “the heathen nations” in the very next line. Change those
phrases and maybe, just maybe, you’ve got a song that won’t horrify anyone who
hears us sing it.
Rank 334
Kinda
messed up for a group of sinners to gleefully sing “Sinners perish from
before him”, don’t you think? Jesus came to conquer death, not cause it. Another hymn beautifully explains that
instead, Christ “bid[s] the sinners live.”
Rank 333
Singling
out India and Africa as being in “error’s chain” is not a great look. I
wonder how the almost 600,000 members who live
in those places feel about this song?
Rank 332
No song
makes us sound so much like a brainwashing cult as “In Our Lovely Deseret”.
Let’s bury this one deep, deep in archives of Granite Mountain, where
no one will ever have to hear it again.
Rank 331
This
reads like a petty breakup song. “Oh, you dumped me? It’s okay because you’re
probably miserable without me. I’m TOTALLY over you, living my best life, and
winning the breakup.” If we really want those who “stray” to return, this isn’t
quite the message I think they should hear.
Rank 330
Why does
this song sound so much like the Imperial March?
Rank 329
“Don’t
listen to your silly feelings. Reason and logic are all you need,” this song
appears to be saying. Too bad that message is completely at odds with, you
know, actual doctrine.
Rank 328
Songs
about Utah are not songs about Jesus. Also, let’s not take passing revisionist
shots at the Native Americans, okay? Especially not while we worship.
Rank 327
The priesthood does not belong to us, as this
song claims, nor is it the armor of God; Paul was very clear about that. The
very idea of the priesthood as armor is erroneous; armor exists to protect its
wearer; priesthood exists to serve others.
Rank 326
God weeps for the wicked; he does not rejoice in their
distress. Also, the herky-jerky melody is rather unsettling.
Rank 325
Hymn 238
makes sense in exactly one horrifically awkward context: a choir of priesthood
holders serenading a group that just got confirmed. Nobody wants to experience
that.
Rank 324
A little
less wrath and anger, a little more mercy please.
Rank 323
Giddily
singing about God’s anger flowing and His pointing finger of justice undercuts
our much more important message of God’s love. Edit those lines and you’re
probably okay.
Rank 322
So many
things. It equates Utah with Zion. Its fear-mongering tone pushes a message of
“us vs. them”. The entire 2nd verse is about how our friends and mothers will
probably abandon us. And, without any context, it talks about God putting
people in furnaces. Who hurt you, Thomas Kelly?
Rank 321
I don’t
mind hymns with military metaphors per se, as long as context makes it clear
that they are, indeed, metaphors. This fails to do so. Indeed, it justifies its
message by citing real military conflicts from Church history as examples of
how to defend Zion. Messages like this fuel the expectation of persecution that
can lead to extremism.
Rank 320
I love
this song, but as I’ve written elsewhere, it’s
not a hymn, and we’re singing it incorrectly. Get it out of the hymnbook,
change the tune back to the original, and sing it only on special occasions.
Rank 319
I prefer
to sing of God’s forgiveness than His vengeance.
Rank 318
Possibly
the most Utah-centric song in the hymnbook (it even boasts of “stately
pride”). Great for a 24th of July celebration in Panguitch. Not so great
for a Sacrament Meeting in Rio de Janeiro.
Rank 317
There’s a
lot of confusing jargon to unpack, making this song confusing for visitors and
newcomers. The song also makes some dubious claims about the City of Enoch;
streets paved with gold? On the site of the Garden of Eden? This hymn’s gotta
cite its sources.
Rank 316
Yikes.
Who’s home, exactly? Cuz. lots of members don’t exactly call “snowcapped
mountains” home...
Rank 315
Oh, this
hour has been one of joy? Cuz this melody sounds like the background music at a
hamster funeral.
Rank 314
Verses 5
and 6 are quite nice, but verse 7 is unnecessarily aggressive. And (SPOILER
ALERT!) after watching Infinity War, I can never sing the 3rd verse
again.
Rank 313
When Emma
Smith’s original hymnbook was published, guess which song was most popular?
None other than “Adam-ondi-Ahman”. How
times have changed. This song’s alienating to newcomers, and it raises really
awkward questions on what a “holy race” is.
Rank 312
Firstly,
we don't bless God; He blesses us. Secondly, the song only makes sense if sung
in Utah. The vast majority of members don't live there. When we drop this song,
we do it for them.
Rank 311
If I may
be obnoxiously pedantic, 2
Nephi 2:25 actually reads, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that
they might have joy.” That comma (placed by Oliver Cowdery but allowed to remain by
Joseph Smith through several revisions of the Book of Mormon) completely
changes the meaning. “That they might have joy” is most likely a continuation
of “Adam fell that…”, whereas “and men are” is probably a
clarification that the “might” in the previous phrase did in fact occur.
Rephrased, we might say something like this: “Adam fell for two reasons: 1) so
men could exist (which happened), and 2) so men could have joy.” Knowing that,
the core message of this song falls apart.
Rank 310
The song
that never fails to conjure images of Aunt
Rhody’s dead, gray goose.
Rank 309
“And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal
security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is
well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully
down to hell.” - 2 Nephi 28:21
Rank 308
The tune
is nice, but the last word of each verse rhymes with exactly nothing. While
poems do not have to rhyme, songs most definitely do.
Rank 307
“Praise the Savior best”? Is there a competition
for who best praises the Savior? Or is it telling us to praise the best
of all the Saviors? I don’t get either meaning.
Rank 306
Wow.
Somebody had a really bad year. You okay, Alfred, Lord Tennyson? Ending the 1st
verse of a hymn on the phrase “Let him die” feels weird, and the
melody’s just too depressing for what (I think) is supposed to be a hopeful
message.
Rank 305
I have a
completely irrational hatred of this song, and even I don’t know why. I
probably suffered some horrible, repressed trauma while it played in the
background. In any case, for no good reason whatsoever, this song only gets one
star.
Rank 303 (tie)
Asking an
ordinary ward conductor, pianist, and congregation to simultaneously change
tempo mid-song is a pretty big ask, and, let’s be honest, are these lyrics
really worth the hassle?
Rank 302
Is Easter
supposed to be so sad? Cuz this song makes it sound like someone missed the
memo about Jesus’ resurrection and went ahead with the funeral.
Rank 301
I mean,
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a song written just for chapel
dedications, but if the new hymnbook can either keep this or add “Amazing
Grace”, there should be no doubt which one makes the cut.
Rank 300
There are
parts of this song that I adore. When sung properly, the “O Zion!”s are
among the most musically rich phrases in the hymnbook. If you try to imagine
that each mention of mountains refers to the temple, it becomes much more
globally accessible. But I still don’t like celebrating the deaths of our
oppressors.
Rank 299
I don’t
like Kipling, the tune is completely uninteresting, and verses 1 and 3 portray
God as a bit of a tyrant. The lyrics of the 2nd verse, though, are so
beautifully haunting. Can we just keep that part as its own hymn?
Rank 297 (tie)
This song
is truly beautiful, both musically and lyrically. But a song addressed to a man
is, to me, an inappropriate way to worship God. That doesn’t make it a bad
song, but it makes it a bad hymn. Let’s sing this when the prophet comes to
visit, but not during ordinary worship services.
Rank 296
Hear me
out. While you may love this hymn, what does it mean for someone whose family
is not “so good to” them? The entire premise of the song rests on that
one idea, which can be confusing and painful to victims of familial abuse.
They’ve been through enough without us assuming everyone wants to (or has to)
be with their family forever.
Rank 295
Beloved by many, hated by some, this truly beautiful melody accompanies the lyrics that are perhaps the least accessible to newcomers. Most problematic is the "there is no end to race" line at the end of the 3rd verse (where we usually stop singing, leaving guests feeling baffled and unsure whether or not to be upset). Change "race" to "grace" and you're probably okay.
Continue to Part II!Part III
Part IV
Part V
Index of Hymns:
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